Posted in stream of consciousness

Becoming Better

I haven’t really written as much as normal (or what I view as normal) for a while and this is why. I wanted to get it out, put it down. I know its not a unique experience. I know others have experienced it, could be experiencing these same things.

Becoming.

How do you become?

“I am more than you wanted me to be.”

I was raised by an NPD parent and there are some things about that which never leave you. I have a lifelong sense of failure ingrained in me. I’ve consistently held myself back, not only because I just *knew* I was going to fail but also because I believed my successes were never really my own and *I* was never actually successful. 

When I was a child if I managed to do something correctly you could rest assured that it actually was not correct and I was every derogatory name in the book for failing to realize the rules had changed without notification.

I never had a safe place. I couldn’t run away from my bully, he was ever present in my home. 

That takes a toll with a price far higher than I think many realize. 

It’s only been recently, in my 30’s, that I’ve begun really exploring who exactly I am, pushing myself to embrace the things I succeed at and allowing myself to feel those successes for me.

And it’s hard!

My inner voice is less critical now than it used to be but it can still be excessively critical sometimes. 

The best way I’ve found to fight it is to intentionally take steps to move myself past these stages in my life. It could be easy to remain stuck, plenty of people do just that, but I know I can not. 

I let go of the things I’ve clung to, essentially spring cleaning my mind. I clear my home of things that, in my inner critical way, remind me of my place as a failure. 

Although I still find myself occasionally repeating the mantras of hate I developed, I have to admit I feel much better these days. 

Author:

Letters from inside my head

4 thoughts on “Becoming Better

  1. Well thanks for opening your heart and sharing – your vulnerability will pay off – and “becoming” or “finding yourself” which is what I used to call
    It – can be messy and tough (as you so astutely noted here) but it is worth the effort and mess because it leads to so much richness.
    So trust the process and remember it can be up and down.
    Also – quick question – is it narcissistic personality disorder your referred to ?

    1. Thank you! Looking back at how much change has been accomplished since I left home at 18 is inspiring. It’s been on my mind a lot lately because I’ve had more contact than I’m comfortable with over the last few months. It’s stretching my boundaries with him and I don’t particularly like it. – Yes, narcissitic personality disorder (literally by the book if you’re referrencing the DSM-V)

      1. Well
        My FIL is NPD and is also classic checklist and you know Kelley – i tell
        People that if they meet someone with this disorder it is crazy weird as to how they fit the checklist!
        When you encounter a narcissist –
        You know it.
        And I can see how the recent contact stirs things up – and sending blog friend strength your way

  2. Not sure if my comment made it – might be in moderation or spam – but three cheers for your wellness endeavor – it will pay off- one day at a time

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