Posted in stream of consciousness

All For Show

There’s something here.

I can feel it seething just below

Writhing and hissing and trying to throw me off

Passing fear is replaced with adrenaline

I grab handfuls of smoke

But it curls between my knuckles

Escaping into the void

I know it’s not vicious

Those gnashing jaws and underbelly growls

It’s all for show

Posted in stream of consciousness, Word Prompt

When It’s All Said and Done

Around Christmas I disappeared from here. It’s typical for me to take a break but it’s usually a week or so. Aside from a Merry Christmas post and Recap post I didn’t write anything after mid-December.

In November and December I posted half of what I usually post in a month.

In real life I locked myself in a bathroom stall at work and cried. I thought about not waking up more often than I had in years.

I wondered how I came back to this point.

This is a post I started in January. As we come to the holidays again I find myself thinking about this time last year and wondering if I should share.

I didn’t at the time because I honestly didn’t believe anyone would care. I pushed myself back to a childhood state of believing the things I felt were completely invalid. I felt if I shared then I’d have to immediately apologize for feeling that way and possibly even be punished for it.

It had been years since I actually had suicidal thoughts but last Christmas, for me, they were alive and well. I tried to remember everything I would leave behind. I tried to tell myself that it wasn’t really that bad because I could at least think of things worth sticking around for.

I tried to think about things I had accomplished. I tried to make sense of my life in terms of gratitude.

None of that stopped me from constantly thinking about ending it.

I don’t feel that way anymore but I fear at any moment it could engulf me again.

It makes me feel defective. Of course I’ve remained single. Of course I’ve had trouble keeping up with friends. Of course. Who wants someone that could slip into this at any time?

I say this year has flown by but in reality I just feel like I’ve lost it. I’ve felt mired the entire time and have struggled to get past it.

Maybe it’s a late quarter life crisis or a very early mid life crisis. Maybe it’s just a life crisis in general.

In reflecting over the past year I decided to share, if for nothing more than to get it off me. Maybe putting it out into space will help clear some of it. Maybe someone reading this needs to know they aren’t alone.

Suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255 – they also offer online chat – You can also text HOME to 741741 (in the US)

Posted in stream of consciousness

These Things

I haven’t done one of these in a long time. A timed stream of conciousness write (5 minutes instead of 10).
Brought to you by various RDP prompts: Bravery, Embellish, Vast

What bravery it takes

To let yourself drown

Knowing you’ll never reach

A hand for help

But these things happen

They’ll say

These things, they’re inevitable

They’ll pray

Over dead water

And let everyone know

These things

They happen

Like falling in love

Or flippant disregard

You can’t control it

They’ll say

We never saw it

They’ll pray

These things

They happen.

Posted in stream of consciousness

Unswayed

They gave me one wish.

I didn’t have to think at all.

I leaned in to the candles and blew

Sending my wish flying

Out the window

Into the sky

Where I have no doubt

It popped.

It tumbled to the ground

Landing at your feet

As no more than a whisper

For you to care

It nestled into you

Carving space in your soul

A silent uprising

An unsettled toll

Still you moved on

Unswayed by the thought

And in my dreams

You stop.

Posted in stream of consciousness, Word Prompt

Jagged Edges

I exist in jagged spaces. Like the frayed strands of jeans ripped between my thighs or the breaks in the outlines of unfinished tattoos. Art that doesn’t cover my walls, instead propping up dust in corners, or bits and pieces of a life I forgot to throw away all speak to my permanent displacement.

I exist in the breaks between puffs on a cigarette, in the spaces between words. Never fully pulling myself up and away. I remain suffocated by the sheer amount of air. I exist for no one, not even myself, and fail to connect the lines between here and there.

My reflection, red lips curled around a cigarette or smoky eyes hiding thoughts much more sinister, feigns surprise though I don’t feel anything more than recognition. 

I’ve become so accustomed that I can’t even claim myself anymore.

Not very deep (RDP)

Posted in stream of consciousness

Sum of Our Moments (Repost)

We travel these paths, burdened with purpose and prose, in hopes that we’ll not long travel alone.
In your eyes I find a spirit, a soul, a beacon that flashes through the darkness of my night.
A thousand words I know but not one that can express the way my soul reaches for yours.
Are our arms enough, will we be able to reach, when our spirits entangle across this space?
In my bones I ache, every inch of my being screams to stay, rattling my steps as I back away.
Because we’re just people, different, incomplete and the sum of our moments is lost on me.

Originally posted Nov 5, 2017