Posted in stream of consciousness, Word Prompt

Is It You After All?

Memories are fickle little things
I watch your gait as you move through a crowd
Is it you after all?
Your laugh and your gaze
Ignite flames but the lighter clicks
And never catches hold
Of my stray dreams and gut feelings
Whenever I smell sweet smoke
Or the slightest whiff of your voice in monotone over my stereo.
Perhaps we need it this way
Perhaps time has bound our brains.

Ragtag Daily Prompt: Strain

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Posted in stream of consciousness

String/Heart

We’re connected by string, where hearts wander others bleed.
It’s your soul, inexplicably woven, interconnected, forever intersecting where we inevitably collide.
We crash and spin, debris scattering this lifespan.
Junkyard hearts rebuilt for our eventual mates, weighted with this tugging of our fates.

Posted in stream of consciousness

Becoming Better

I haven’t really written as much as normal (or what I view as normal) for a while and this is why. I wanted to get it out, put it down. I know its not a unique experience. I know others have experienced it, could be experiencing these same things.

Becoming.

How do you become?

“I am more than you wanted me to be.”

I was raised by an NPD parent and there are some things about that which never leave you. I have a lifelong sense of failure ingrained in me. I’ve consistently held myself back, not only because I just *knew* I was going to fail but also because I believed my successes were never really my own and *I* was never actually successful. 

When I was a child if I managed to do something correctly you could rest assured that it actually was not correct and I was every derogatory name in the book for failing to realize the rules had changed without notification.

I never had a safe place. I couldn’t run away from my bully, he was ever present in my home. 

That takes a toll with a price far higher than I think many realize. 

It’s only been recently, in my 30’s, that I’ve begun really exploring who exactly I am, pushing myself to embrace the things I succeed at and allowing myself to feel those successes for me.

And it’s hard!

My inner voice is less critical now than it used to be but it can still be excessively critical sometimes. 

The best way I’ve found to fight it is to intentionally take steps to move myself past these stages in my life. It could be easy to remain stuck, plenty of people do just that, but I know I can not. 

I let go of the things I’ve clung to, essentially spring cleaning my mind. I clear my home of things that, in my inner critical way, remind me of my place as a failure. 

Although I still find myself occasionally repeating the mantras of hate I developed, I have to admit I feel much better these days. 

Posted in stream of consciousness

Always Wrong (Block)

Feel free to ignore this, give a thumbs down, do whatever. I just wanted to get the jumbled mess out of my head and why not put it here.
Music – Yawning Man

I am more than you wanted me to be.

I count six
Three pairs
With pupils wide
They test the blinds

And crouch in fright.

I want you, I need you

I don’t know what more to say.

So I say nothing and hope
But the choice is always wrong

This is all wrong.
Will we ever be right?

Posted in stream of consciousness

Less

The human memory is notoriously faulty.

Janine no longer remembered if she saw the light or if it was just the surgeons blinding head lamp as he crawled into her mother’s cavernous heart in attempt to save her.

Janine no longer remembered if she merely thought the words or if they actually slipped between her gritted teeth.

“Don’t bother, there’s nothing there to save.”

With all his gracious intent, the doctor took her hands.

“I did all I could but it just couldn’t be done.”

Janine couldn’t slam the gate fast enough, “You could’ve done less.”

No prompt to speak of.
Music: Moon Duo

Posted in stream of consciousness

The Truth Have I Murdered

Music: All Them Witches – Dying Surfer Meets His Maker
Taken loosely from the idea of a lyrical essay

The boy doesn’t love you.

And why should he?

Don’t “please mister” me …

You’re the culprit here. Look at those hands, doused in red.

Disgust! That’s what I feel when I look at you.

The truth deserved better.

Better than being dragged by your breathless frame,

Heaving from the act,

Down the drain.

Witless.

I’ll ask you again.

When no was the answer …

Why didn’t you just give in?

Posted in stream of consciousness, Word Prompt

In The Garden

Verdant – RDP word of the day
Music – Dirty Three – Self titled

Luscious.
Fertile.
Sasha’s garden was everything Mari could never inspire in her own. Her belly too, round with verdant life in a way Mari would never know.

Obsession.
Jealousy.
Rage in Mari’s veins blossomed as she feigned excitement for Sasha’s burgeoning life. Sasha’s roses brought home awards. Her daffodils sailed into a spotlight all their own. The baby kicked while she laughed on.

Inspired.
Alone.
Mari took to a rusted axe in order to get the job done.

I forgot to time myself but I intended to aim for 5 minutes to start. This probably took about that long.

Posted in stream of consciousness

Pity Party (Repost)

She awoke one fine cupcake morning,
Blue skies and nary a cloud in sight.
Village windows remained shuttered,
Terrific beasts tethered to the night.
It was a fine day indeed.
She had the invitations,
Colloquial and drawn in invisible ink.
Balloons of her favorite shades,
Faded blues and washed out grays,
Floated about the room;
Specters all their own.
Nine thirty and a quarter past second five.
She clasped her hands,
Breathing anticipation,
When only a strangers shadow
Fell upon the door.
“Am I late?”
An echo from empty marble halls.
“I do love parties after all.”
She tugged at cotton candy curls
And a dress of a more bland sort.
“Of course, of course.
Just lay your grievances down here.
After all, isn’t that what pity parties are for?”

Between how overwhelmed I’ve been pretty much all year at this point and a looming sense of becoming stuck in the status quo I’ve honestly felt like shit lately. I feel stuck, unimportant, unmotivated, uninspired and so very much like a total failure. I get to points where I wonder if every decision I’ve ever made has been the wrong one. Since I found myself having a pity party … Here we are