Posted in flash fiction, stream of consciousness

I Was

This is an actual stream of conciousness type write. With inspiration also drawn from the photo for Fandango’s flash fiction challenge.
Music: All Them Witches – Lost and Found EP (can be found here on youtube if interested)

Victoria_Borodinova at Pixabay

When I was a kid I liked to imagine my life somewhere exotic, in times and places far away.

I was Esmeralda, dancing in the hot breeze. I was Ariel, venturing beyond the realm of known. I was a power ranger, saving the world one swipe and swoosh at a time. 

I was anything and everything: a paper bag carrying Superman’s groceries; a walking stick leading a great adventure. 

I was taught, and well it seems, that I was only an accessory. 

I was a compliment and a burden. 

I was helpless when all I wanted was to be a hero. 

I was worthless, a string of fake pearls snatched from Ms. Scarlett’s neck. 

I was scattered, a faded news piece, irrelevant before my ink dried. 

But all I dreamed was of being a hero, of saving the world one crisis at a time. 

And maybe on the weekends I could still be Esmeralda, dancing under the moon.

Posted in stream of consciousness

2019 and Decade Round Up

Happy holidays and happy new year! I hope it’s been wonderful for everyone and if it hasn’t I hope you know it will get better. This year was difficult for me. I had a lot of personal setbacks, wrote less and felt the lowest I’d felt in some time. All things pass though and I’m ending this year on a much better note.

Since it’s the end of the year and the end of a decade I’m going to share the top 5 posts from 2019 and the top 3 since I started this blog.

Top 5 of 2019
The Wild Things
No Business for Friends
Fire in the Night
Chicken Little
That’s What She Said
(solid choices readers)

Top 3 of the decade (kind of, this blog has only been around for less than half of it)
Jailbait
Dead Leg
Biblical

That’s our round up dear readers. Thank you so much for reading, commenting and staying with me on this journey.

Posted in stream of consciousness

Ash

Is this what becomes of us?

Today freezing rain
Tomorrow a summer breeze

Wind blows along the stream
Rustling thickets
Driving rain

I exist at the funeral
But I float above
Searching
For the right combination
The moment you walked away

I try to redirect you
With empty threats
And promises of gold

As with most things
I fail

RDP: Ash

Posted in stream of consciousness

All For Show

There’s something here.

I can feel it seething just below

Writhing and hissing and trying to throw me off

Passing fear is replaced with adrenaline

I grab handfuls of smoke

But it curls between my knuckles

Escaping into the void

I know it’s not vicious

Those gnashing jaws and underbelly growls

It’s all for show

Posted in stream of consciousness, Word Prompt

When It’s All Said and Done

Around Christmas I disappeared from here. It’s typical for me to take a break but it’s usually a week or so. Aside from a Merry Christmas post and Recap post I didn’t write anything after mid-December.

In November and December I posted half of what I usually post in a month.

In real life I locked myself in a bathroom stall at work and cried. I thought about not waking up more often than I had in years.

I wondered how I came back to this point.

This is a post I started in January. As we come to the holidays again I find myself thinking about this time last year and wondering if I should share.

I didn’t at the time because I honestly didn’t believe anyone would care. I pushed myself back to a childhood state of believing the things I felt were completely invalid. I felt if I shared then I’d have to immediately apologize for feeling that way and possibly even be punished for it.

It had been years since I actually had suicidal thoughts but last Christmas, for me, they were alive and well. I tried to remember everything I would leave behind. I tried to tell myself that it wasn’t really that bad because I could at least think of things worth sticking around for.

I tried to think about things I had accomplished. I tried to make sense of my life in terms of gratitude.

None of that stopped me from constantly thinking about ending it.

I don’t feel that way anymore but I fear at any moment it could engulf me again.

It makes me feel defective. Of course I’ve remained single. Of course I’ve had trouble keeping up with friends. Of course. Who wants someone that could slip into this at any time?

I say this year has flown by but in reality I just feel like I’ve lost it. I’ve felt mired the entire time and have struggled to get past it.

Maybe it’s a late quarter life crisis or a very early mid life crisis. Maybe it’s just a life crisis in general.

In reflecting over the past year I decided to share, if for nothing more than to get it off me. Maybe putting it out into space will help clear some of it. Maybe someone reading this needs to know they aren’t alone.

Suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255 – they also offer online chat – You can also text HOME to 741741 (in the US)

Posted in stream of consciousness

These Things

I haven’t done one of these in a long time. A timed stream of conciousness write (5 minutes instead of 10).
Brought to you by various RDP prompts: Bravery, Embellish, Vast

What bravery it takes

To let yourself drown

Knowing you’ll never reach

A hand for help

But these things happen

They’ll say

These things, they’re inevitable

They’ll pray

Over dead water

And let everyone know

These things

They happen

Like falling in love

Or flippant disregard

You can’t control it

They’ll say

We never saw it

They’ll pray

These things

They happen.

Posted in stream of consciousness

Unswayed

They gave me one wish.

I didn’t have to think at all.

I leaned in to the candles and blew

Sending my wish flying

Out the window

Into the sky

Where I have no doubt

It popped.

It tumbled to the ground

Landing at your feet

As no more than a whisper

For you to care

It nestled into you

Carving space in your soul

A silent uprising

An unsettled toll

Still you moved on

Unswayed by the thought

And in my dreams

You stop.