Posted in stream of consciousness

QPD (Kind Of): Courage

Courage. That was today’s yoga practice. It’s also the monthly theme. Hell, I think it’s safe to say it’s our universal yearly theme.

Courage to move forward. Courage to push ourselves beyond our comfort zones. Courage to push the people around us from their comfort zones.

One of the truest ways to effect change socially and economically is through divestment. It can be hard to get there. Companies don’t want you to divest. Social constructs don’t really support divestment. But the BLM protests have proven, again, that it is possible. It might be uncomfortable. It might reveal more naysayers than you thought you had in your circle. Always remember, it’s for the greater good.

Posted in stream of consciousness

Crumbs

I’m a little bit messy
In life and in love
Memories splatter
Over walls and stale cloths
Across my shirt
Down my chin
A touch here and there
Fragrant reminders
Of a life I missed
Stick to my lips
Crumbs, ravaged
Forgotten details I pick up
Again and again

Posted in stream of consciousness

QPD – What A Week/Month/Year

It’s been a whole half a year.

And what a year it’s been so far.

Its almost time for mid year reflections. I guess it can always be time for reflection but this year I’ve been very focused on moving forward, how to get there, making goals, setting intentions, visualizing …

All the things.

I even have a journal made to help you set goals and intentions and act on them.

But I’m also exhausted, especially right now.

It’s been a week, even with the holiday. It’s been filled with good and bad.

Lately, all I can think is how very tired we should all be and how willing we should be to hold each other accountable and to demand change.

After all, change is the only constant. I’d argue that it’s the root of most fear.

How are you feeling as we come up on half a year? After this month? This week?

Posted in stream of consciousness, Word Prompt

You Are Not Gossamer

“My confidence is gossamer.”

“Gossamer?”

“Gossamer.”

“That guy was pretty confident I guess.”

“That guy?”

“Yeah, the heart guy. The big monster one. Like an olden days Kool-Aid man.”

“I don’t think … Gossamer is a word. It’s not a person or monster or whatever you’re talking about.”

“No offense, I know my Bugs Bunny. Maybe you mean another word?”

“Maybe you have the name wrong. My word is Gossamer.”

“Google it then. Let’s see who’s right.”

*furious typing*

“Gossamer, thin, delicate, insubstantial.”

“And, right there, Gossamer. Big red heart dude.”

“Huh. Ironic.”

“Yeah, also, have you met yourself? Your confidence is not “gossamer”. You’re not a wilting flower or silk blowing in the wind.”

RDP: Gossamer

Posted in stream of consciousness

2019 and Decade Round Up

Happy holidays and happy new year! I hope it’s been wonderful for everyone and if it hasn’t I hope you know it will get better. This year was difficult for me. I had a lot of personal setbacks, wrote less and felt the lowest I’d felt in some time. All things pass though and I’m ending this year on a much better note.

Since it’s the end of the year and the end of a decade I’m going to share the top 5 posts from 2019 and the top 3 since I started this blog.

Top 5 of 2019
The Wild Things
No Business for Friends
Fire in the Night
Chicken Little
That’s What She Said
(solid choices readers)

Top 3 of the decade (kind of, this blog has only been around for less than half of it)
Jailbait
Dead Leg
Biblical

That’s our round up dear readers. Thank you so much for reading, commenting and staying with me on this journey.

Posted in stream of consciousness, Word Prompt

When It’s All Said and Done

Around Christmas I disappeared from here. It’s typical for me to take a break but it’s usually a week or so. Aside from a Merry Christmas post and Recap post I didn’t write anything after mid-December.

In November and December I posted half of what I usually post in a month.

In real life I locked myself in a bathroom stall at work and cried. I thought about not waking up more often than I had in years.

I wondered how I came back to this point.

This is a post I started in January. As we come to the holidays again I find myself thinking about this time last year and wondering if I should share.

I didn’t at the time because I honestly didn’t believe anyone would care. I pushed myself back to a childhood state of believing the things I felt were completely invalid. I felt if I shared then I’d have to immediately apologize for feeling that way and possibly even be punished for it.

It had been years since I actually had suicidal thoughts but last Christmas, for me, they were alive and well. I tried to remember everything I would leave behind. I tried to tell myself that it wasn’t really that bad because I could at least think of things worth sticking around for.

I tried to think about things I had accomplished. I tried to make sense of my life in terms of gratitude.

None of that stopped me from constantly thinking about ending it.

I don’t feel that way anymore but I fear at any moment it could engulf me again.

It makes me feel defective. Of course I’ve remained single. Of course I’ve had trouble keeping up with friends. Of course. Who wants someone that could slip into this at any time?

I say this year has flown by but in reality I just feel like I’ve lost it. I’ve felt mired the entire time and have struggled to get past it.

Maybe it’s a late quarter life crisis or a very early mid life crisis. Maybe it’s just a life crisis in general.

In reflecting over the past year I decided to share, if for nothing more than to get it off me. Maybe putting it out into space will help clear some of it. Maybe someone reading this needs to know they aren’t alone.

Suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255 – they also offer online chat – You can also text HOME to 741741 (in the US)