Letters from inside my head
The passage of time
Of lines in the road
Or trees on the horizon
Seconds passing
Or years gliding
Through dim tunnels
And dark underbrush
How far we travel
Without realizing
How far we’ve come
See also: (I will never not mention this song when given the chance)
RDP: Passage
Is this what becomes of us?
Today freezing rain
Tomorrow a summer breeze
Wind blows along the stream
Rustling thickets
Driving rain
I exist at the funeral
But I float above
Searching
For the right combination
The moment you walked away
I try to redirect you
With empty threats
And promises of gold
As with most things
I fail
RDP: Ash
There’s something here.
I can feel it seething just below
Writhing and hissing and trying to throw me off
Passing fear is replaced with adrenaline
I grab handfuls of smoke
But it curls between my knuckles
Escaping into the void
I know it’s not vicious
Those gnashing jaws and underbelly growls
It’s all for show
Around Christmas I disappeared from here. It’s typical for me to take a break but it’s usually a week or so. Aside from a Merry Christmas post and Recap post I didn’t write anything after mid-December.
In November and December I posted half of what I usually post in a month.
In real life I locked myself in a bathroom stall at work and cried. I thought about not waking up more often than I had in years.
I wondered how I came back to this point.
This is a post I started in January. As we come to the holidays again I find myself thinking about this time last year and wondering if I should share.
I didn’t at the time because I honestly didn’t believe anyone would care. I pushed myself back to a childhood state of believing the things I felt were completely invalid. I felt if I shared then I’d have to immediately apologize for feeling that way and possibly even be punished for it.
It had been years since I actually had suicidal thoughts but last Christmas, for me, they were alive and well. I tried to remember everything I would leave behind. I tried to tell myself that it wasn’t really that bad because I could at least think of things worth sticking around for.
I tried to think about things I had accomplished. I tried to make sense of my life in terms of gratitude.
None of that stopped me from constantly thinking about ending it.
I don’t feel that way anymore but I fear at any moment it could engulf me again.
It makes me feel defective. Of course I’ve remained single. Of course I’ve had trouble keeping up with friends. Of course. Who wants someone that could slip into this at any time?
I say this year has flown by but in reality I just feel like I’ve lost it. I’ve felt mired the entire time and have struggled to get past it.
Maybe it’s a late quarter life crisis or a very early mid life crisis. Maybe it’s just a life crisis in general.
In reflecting over the past year I decided to share, if for nothing more than to get it off me. Maybe putting it out into space will help clear some of it. Maybe someone reading this needs to know they aren’t alone.
Suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255 – they also offer online chat – You can also text HOME to 741741 (in the US)
I haven’t done one of these in a long time. A timed stream of conciousness write (5 minutes instead of 10).
Brought to you by various RDP prompts: Bravery, Embellish, Vast
What bravery it takes
To let yourself drown
Knowing you’ll never reach
A hand for help
But these things happen
They’ll say
These things, they’re inevitable
They’ll pray
Over dead water
And let everyone know
These things
They happen
Like falling in love
Or flippant disregard
You can’t control it
They’ll say
We never saw it
They’ll pray
These things
They happen.
They gave me one wish.
I didn’t have to think at all.
I leaned in to the candles and blew
Sending my wish flying
Out the window
Into the sky
Where I have no doubt
It popped.
It tumbled to the ground
Landing at your feet
As no more than a whisper
For you to care
It nestled into you
Carving space in your soul
A silent uprising
An unsettled toll
Still you moved on
Unswayed by the thought
And in my dreams
You stop.
I miss you is too simple
For the way my heart needs yours
I exist in jagged spaces. Like the frayed strands of jeans ripped between my thighs or the breaks in the outlines of unfinished tattoos. Art that doesn’t cover my walls, instead propping up dust in corners, or bits and pieces of a life I forgot to throw away all speak to my permanent displacement.
I exist in the breaks between puffs on a cigarette, in the spaces between words. Never fully pulling myself up and away. I remain suffocated by the sheer amount of air. I exist for no one, not even myself, and fail to connect the lines between here and there.
My reflection, red lips curled around a cigarette or smoky eyes hiding thoughts much more sinister, feigns surprise though I don’t feel anything more than recognition.
I’ve become so accustomed that I can’t even claim myself anymore.
Not very deep (RDP)
Hi
I love you
Ok
Bye
Until one day
The ignition doesn’t turn over
And we’re all dead on arrival.
Hi
…
Ok
…
Wait, you never said
…
Bye
We travel these paths, burdened with purpose and prose, in hopes that we’ll not long travel alone.
In your eyes I find a spirit, a soul, a beacon that flashes through the darkness of my night.
A thousand words I know but not one that can express the way my soul reaches for yours.
Are our arms enough, will we be able to reach, when our spirits entangle across this space?
In my bones I ache, every inch of my being screams to stay, rattling my steps as I back away.
Because we’re just people, different, incomplete and the sum of our moments is lost on me.
Originally posted Nov 5, 2017