Around Christmas I disappeared from here. It’s typical for me to take a break but it’s usually a week or so. Aside from a Merry Christmas post and Recap post I didn’t write anything after mid-December.
In November and December I posted half of what I usually post in a month.
In real life I locked myself in a bathroom stall at work and cried. I thought about not waking up more often than I had in years.
I wondered how I came back to this point.
This is a post I started in January. As we come to the holidays again I find myself thinking about this time last year and wondering if I should share.
I didn’t at the time because I honestly didn’t believe anyone would care. I pushed myself back to a childhood state of believing the things I felt were completely invalid. I felt if I shared then I’d have to immediately apologize for feeling that way and possibly even be punished for it.
It had been years since I actually had suicidal thoughts but last Christmas, for me, they were alive and well. I tried to remember everything I would leave behind. I tried to tell myself that it wasn’t really that bad because I could at least think of things worth sticking around for.
I tried to think about things I had accomplished. I tried to make sense of my life in terms of gratitude.
None of that stopped me from constantly thinking about ending it.
I don’t feel that way anymore but I fear at any moment it could engulf me again.
It makes me feel defective. Of course I’ve remained single. Of course I’ve had trouble keeping up with friends. Of course. Who wants someone that could slip into this at any time?
I say this year has flown by but in reality I just feel like I’ve lost it. I’ve felt mired the entire time and have struggled to get past it.
Maybe it’s a late quarter life crisis or a very early mid life crisis. Maybe it’s just a life crisis in general.
In reflecting over the past year I decided to share, if for nothing more than to get it off me. Maybe putting it out into space will help clear some of it. Maybe someone reading this needs to know they aren’t alone.
Suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255 – they also offer online chat – You can also text HOME to 741741 (in the US)
