Posted in Coaching

New Things

Last year I received a dream book and planner for Christmas. The beginning of the book is a very comprehensive review of your life and what you want. For my life purpose, I wrote that it was “to help others through creativity”. It’s vague but I was a much more vague person at the beginning of the year.

Now, at the end of the year, the planner has a place to review things you planned and, once again, review yourself against what you wrote at the beginning of the year. The whole point is to help one move forward in what they truly want. A kick in the ass so to speak which I desperately needed.

As I go through and read my intentionally vague answers from Jan 2020 I know I’ve changed this year. I think it would be acceptable to say this year has changed everybody in some way. 

A couple of weekends ago I sat through 30 hours of coach training, something that I know aligns with my goals and what I want out of my life. I had to persuade myself to take the jump but I could argue pre 2020 Kelley may not have done it at all. 

For the next couple of months I’m going to share some of the things I’m learning through my coach training process. I’ll still be putting up creative writings too but I hope you guys enjoy the little foray into this new piece of my life.

Posted in Photo

Quarantine Photo Diary

I received “Happy Quarantine/Distancing” flowers from a friend about a week ago. Now they’re starting to wilt. I feel like this applies to most things I feel right now. I like working remotely but doing it all the time makes the job unecessarily hard and it’s already unecessarly hard in its own right.

I’ve been using what free time I find to work on editing and arranging poetry for a collection I hope to release in the next month. Free time is still scarce though and everything that normally still has to be done is still there, needing to be done. My teenager *to no one’s surprise* does not like chores or doing school work even though she’s not in school.

I hope everyone is taking care of themselves in this very weird time. Let me know how you’re doing and what you’ve been up to?

Posted in stream of consciousness, Word Prompt

When It’s All Said and Done

Around Christmas I disappeared from here. It’s typical for me to take a break but it’s usually a week or so. Aside from a Merry Christmas post and Recap post I didn’t write anything after mid-December.

In November and December I posted half of what I usually post in a month.

In real life I locked myself in a bathroom stall at work and cried. I thought about not waking up more often than I had in years.

I wondered how I came back to this point.

This is a post I started in January. As we come to the holidays again I find myself thinking about this time last year and wondering if I should share.

I didn’t at the time because I honestly didn’t believe anyone would care. I pushed myself back to a childhood state of believing the things I felt were completely invalid. I felt if I shared then I’d have to immediately apologize for feeling that way and possibly even be punished for it.

It had been years since I actually had suicidal thoughts but last Christmas, for me, they were alive and well. I tried to remember everything I would leave behind. I tried to tell myself that it wasn’t really that bad because I could at least think of things worth sticking around for.

I tried to think about things I had accomplished. I tried to make sense of my life in terms of gratitude.

None of that stopped me from constantly thinking about ending it.

I don’t feel that way anymore but I fear at any moment it could engulf me again.

It makes me feel defective. Of course I’ve remained single. Of course I’ve had trouble keeping up with friends. Of course. Who wants someone that could slip into this at any time?

I say this year has flown by but in reality I just feel like I’ve lost it. I’ve felt mired the entire time and have struggled to get past it.

Maybe it’s a late quarter life crisis or a very early mid life crisis. Maybe it’s just a life crisis in general.

In reflecting over the past year I decided to share, if for nothing more than to get it off me. Maybe putting it out into space will help clear some of it. Maybe someone reading this needs to know they aren’t alone.

Suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255 – they also offer online chat – You can also text HOME to 741741 (in the US)