Posted in flash fiction

Repeat

Life can twist our minds and rip dreams away
But in some moments we find
The greatest gift is perhaps not physical
But a moment in time
When we no longer have to be held to the reality of who others believe we are.
That moment wrapped in a lovers arms, the true idea of home dancing through every sensation.
Or a moment alone with nothing more than a breath and a soft whisper for patience.
Libations given in sacrifice of every moment thereafter.
When we come under fire we close our eyes willing ourselves to aim higher.
Repeat.

For the flash fiction challenge at Carrot Ranch
Word Count: 99
Theme: The greatest gift

Posted in Word Prompt

It’s Just Not Fashionable (Repost)

Repost from some point earlier in this blog and because I hear the news now and feel this is just as relevant:

There was a time, in the grand scheme of things it wasn’t that long ago, when my head was so fucking loud.

At any given second there were a thousand things all competing for a space on my mind. There was drama, loathing, negativity …

I hated everyone but most of all, above everything else, I hated myself.

I absolutely couldn’t stand myself and anytime a moment of pride, a good thought, a feeling of something well deserved, managed to sneak in … it only made me dig that dagger deeper.

I suffered from crippling depression. Killing myself was an almost daily thought although I never acted on it because I didn’t think I was worth the effort it would take to clean up.

It was more that I just wanted to disappear.

I wanted to go away but I wanted to do so in the least evasive way possible. Lest I find myself further inconveniencing others with my life, or lack thereof.

I couldn’t let myself have good things. In my mind I deserved the bad, I brought it down on myself like a wayward child purposely toppling case after case of books on themselves.

It hurt, I knew it would hurt but in my mind I deserved it.

And then one day something happened.

Something from my past came forward to find me. The universe so eloquently dropped it  right into my lap and reminded me that you can’t run from things that are meant to be a part of you.

I don’t know that I had ever cried as hard as I did in that moment.

I don’t know that I had ever felt the relief that I did in that moment.

I don’t know that I had ever felt anything in the way that I did in that moment.

After that I learned the art of being still and being quiet. I learned how to quiet my mind and how to bring myself peace. I learned to be ok with the times where I falter, because everybody makes mistakes. Everybody has days and moments and honestly that’s life with depression. It’s up and down and all around sometimes. I learned to steer myself instead of letting the noise in my head take the wheel.

All of this comes into sharp focus for me when I see things on TV that seem to glamorize things like suicide. TV shows that attempt to show it and explain it but do so in such teenage drama ways that they miss the point. Or when I see mass destruction, people driven by forces that are purely evil, raining terror down on others.

And I see ways that we could help these things, ways we could have real conversations but it’s fashionable, in some circles it seems, to be loud, to let the noise take the wheel. Those conversations will never happen when the noise is driving.

I don’t know how to implore the world to be still, to think, to be quiet then speak. I don’t know if we can and I honestly don’t if it would help but these days it seems like maybe the need for noise should fall out of fashion.

The word of the day at the time was fashionable.

The RDP prompt today is slippery which I also think is relevant because slippery slopes

Posted in Photo

I Gave My Soul to a New Religion … 16 – 21/365

Pictures to catch me up on “picture a day”. I should start calling it picture dump to catch me up. We all know I love music. I’ve been feeling down and having a hard time lately so this weekend I hopped around to a couple of cities to visit my favorite soul surgeons.

Leah Shapiro , drummer for Black Rebel Motorcycle Club

Robert Levon Been, bass (and all the instruments also) of Black Rebel Motorcycle Club

Peter Hayes, guitar (and all kinds of other instruments) of Black Rebel Motorcycle Club

These guys were the opening band, The Night Beats. Lovely way to open the shows. In Houston the bassist’s mom came up and got on the rail with us. She couldn’t stop gushing about how adorable her son was on stage. That’s support man

I went to two cities, Houston and New Orleans. Other than my pictures of the show in Houston I didn’t really take many others. I just didn’t find as much that captivated me.

New Orleans … that’s going to be it’s own post because it’s one of my favorite US cities (with the exception of the band pictures, BRMC pics above are the New Orleans show).

Candid

Posted in Word Prompt

Bucket

I’ve got a bucket full of memories.
I spill from my deepest estuaries.
Like blood from fresh cuts,
Across the beds of my fingers,
Driving down to my thighs
Where the rivers run deeper
And the water bleeds darker.
My bucket fills with hazy days,
Dark specters and figures
Blending with the nightly shadows,
Caressing the darkest pieces
Just beyond the noise.
You bring me silence.
You bring me quiet.
You build dams to my scars;
Stopping the flow to my bucket of hell.
I’ve never found one like you before,
A soul that beats so close to mine.
Your blood flows darker,
Deeper,
Divine,
Through this bucket of mine.
You touch the chaos,
No fear etched across your face.
You try to take it all away,
Try to steal my bucket of time.

Posted in Word Prompt

Here’s To The End

WordPress Daily Prompt – Finally

Today ends what I’ve perceived as my roughly 2 day pity party.

Life is hard sometimes, everyone has shit they go through, things they have to battle. If you’re truly lucky you don’t have to walk those paths alone, you get to walk them with people you care about, who care about you, and will stick there with you through it.

Can we really judge people for jumping ship though? Sometimes what other’s are going through is just too much. Or maybe it’s far too heavy to bear in addition to the load you already carry.

We want to believe that people should be there for us no matter what. We want to believe that they should wait for us.

Truthfully that’s too high of an expectation. Not everyone understands and not everyone has the want to understand.

That’s ok.

At the end of the day we can’t control other’s, only ourselves and our reactions.

I can’t will someone to accept the long period it took me to come out of the dark. I couldn’t push someone to put their life on hold so I could push them away while I drowned.

I can’t fault someone who chooses to see that situation for what it is and steps back.

Life is funny.

It gives you what you wish for in the most surprising ways and at the most awkward times but it ensures that you learn and grow.

At the end of the day our memories are all we have and our perception will always be our reality. We can’t change that for other people, only ourselves, and we have to make peace with the decisions we made in the heat of the moment. Maybe you regret them but you can’t change them, you can only learn from those moments and change going forward.

And that’s ok too.

So here’s to the end of the year and the beginning of another.

Posted in Word Prompt

Wild Things

WordPress Daily Prompt – Tame

Bring out my wild side,
Pull her back and hold her still.
I promise you baby,
She’ll fight the whole way out.
Pin her down and whisper in her ear,
It’s always fun when you try
Taming wild things.
Grip her waist and sit her down,
Tell her she’s been bad today,
That little wild thing doesn’t care.
Touch her soul,
Try to bring her peace.
I know what you’ll find.
Those wild things are meant to be.

Posted in Word Prompt

Stir My Soul

WordPress Daily Prompt – Focused

I’ve been sitting here,
Focusing, focusing,
But the rapping of the clock
Reminds me of the way you knock
When you lean on my door while
Stirring my soul with your chains.
A thick boiling concoction of self loathing
Heaving this way and that with an evil all its own
Threatening to tear holes straight through
Letting all the light bleed out.
You give it a siren song,
A melody so sweet,
I can’t help but feel at peace.


Meanwhile over on the collaboration blog … my blog is now up!

The Perfectly Imperfect Bunch

Write for Yourself by Nitesh

Why Write? by Grabbety

It Comes with the Territory by Kelley

We’ll have more from more amazing collaborators soon!