Posted in Word Prompt

Bewildering Quiet

WordPress Daily Prompt – Bewildered

I can’t explain what it is about the quiet that scares me,
Or why it sends chills down my spine
To know that someday the quiet is all we’ll know.
Maybe it’s because the worst
Always followed the quiet,
Sneaking in on its tail,
Ripping away false senses of comfort.
Perhaps it’s more,
Confusion of a heavier sort.
You see,
Within the quiet you’re faced with reality,
Not distraction.
You become forced to realize
It’s less no one hearing you scream
But more like no one cares when you do.


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Posted in Word Prompt

I Guess It’s Improvement – Redux

I wrote this last night and thought this morning of deleting it.

“You were just whining.”

“Your life is great.”

“Look at everything you have, everything you’ve done.”

These are all things that have been said to me over the years, they’re all true.

Logically I have no reason to be down, my life is good. I have so much more than some people could even dream of. The fact that I can even sit down and eat everyday is more than some people have. I have a job, a car, a house … I can afford to travel.

I have a child that I’ve somehow managed to not screw up.

Logically I’m doing great and that’s what people see when they look at me. I know that’s what prompts the comments I get.

The reality is that my brain is broken.

So one day I’ll be sitting at work and I’ll be fine then something will just hit me. I won’t know what it is. I won’t understand.

I’ll just want nothing more than to go hide. I won’t want to go to work. I won’t want to write. I won’t want to cook or clean or be responsible.

It will just all be too much and it will be sudden.

I’ll get anxious. I’ll want to run.

But after years of doing this, cycling through it and talking to therapists, I know it will pass.

I know how to take care of myself through it now.

But life doesn’t sit there and wait for me. People don’t understand when they look at me. I have to force myself to be responsible then I have to let myself break down.

Quietly. Away from where others can see.

I guess it’s improvement.

My head hurt
So I just kept drinking.
Now I can’t feel
My tongue
Or my heart,
Or the ache
That I’ve buried
Deep under this art.
But the tears keep coming
Like I’m mourning
This dead end
Dry crumbling piece of me.
I guess it’s improvement
Since before
I just didn’t cry
Because I didn’t feel
Anything at all.

Inscrutable

Posted in Word Prompt

Bucket

I’ve got a bucket full of memories.
I spill from my deepest estuaries.
Like blood from fresh cuts,
Across the beds of my fingers,
Driving down to my thighs
Where the rivers run deeper
And the water bleeds darker.
My bucket fills with hazy days,
Dark specters and figures
Blending with the nightly shadows,
Caressing the darkest pieces
Just beyond the noise.
You bring me silence.
You bring me quiet.
You build dams to my scars;
Stopping the flow to my bucket of hell.
I’ve never found one like you before,
A soul that beats so close to mine.
Your blood flows darker,
Deeper,
Divine,
Through this bucket of mine.
You touch the chaos,
No fear etched across your face.
You try to take it all away,
Try to steal my bucket of time.

Posted in Word Prompt

The World is Loud

I’m dropping an actual blog on you today!

I’ve been without half my hearing for over two weeks.

Over the past couple of days, with a second round of medicine, it seems like it’s beginning to come back but what I hear is still significantly softer in one ear than the other.

Two weeks of only being able to from one ear has been interesting. I’ve noticed a couple things.

The world is fucking loud. When I first lost my hearing it was really sudden, I went to bed one night able to hear and woke up unable to. I slept through my alarm because I was on my side with the ear that could still hear buried in my pillow. In fact, I slept through my alarm every morning for over a week before I learned I needed to make a conscious effort to sleep on the other side so I’d be able to hear it. At work my normally quiet office was even quieter. The sound of constantly running printers and people tapping away on keyboards was dimmed so much that I didn’t notice it at all if they were on my right side (which, for reference, is pretty much my whole department).

All those little side conversations that people have, I could hear them talking but I had no idea what anyone was saying. Even if they were talking loudly but there was more than one person, nope, I just had to tune it out and ask later what the conversation was about. At first it was frustrating but that leads me to lesson 2.

A lot of what is said isn’t really worth it. Often when I asked what was said or what the conversation was about I was just told it was nothing. Rarely was it something worth repeating or worth my attention. I’m a daydreamer, I exist a lot in my own head anyway, not being able to hear found me existing there more than normal. I always thought I’d feel left out if I couldn’t be a part of the mindless office conversations that keep the day going but I didn’t really miss them. I can still have significant conversations with my friends at work and they knew to talk a little louder and slower (and more to my left) so that I’d hear and understand.

I noticed more too. Without my normal range of hearing I had to rely on other things to get me through seemingly normal stuff. Those stiff “heys” in the hallway as you pass people, I couldn’t hear those. I had to rely on facial expressions to determine if they were saying “hey” or if it was more of “oh my god, what’s on her shirt? Does she know that’s there?” I had to rely on body language too, my daughter really loves to start talking to me when I’m in the middle of 50 other things and of course all 50 of those things make noise. I had to rely on what she was doing with her body to see if this was a silly, happy story or sad, “I need support” story or “hey, watch this thing on this TV show that I’ve shown you already 50,000 times” story.

I was once terrified of the idea of not being able to hear. The idea of existing in silence … If you posed the “would you rather be blind or deaf” to me I would choose blind because in my mind I could deal with not being able to see but not hearing? When kids are little and they say they’re scared of the dark … I was the opposite. I was less afraid of the dark and more afraid of quiet. I slept, and still do actually but more out of habit now, with music on because I thought as long as there was noise the creepy crawly’s that existed in that dark space between sunset and sunrise wouldn’t come get me.

I’m still terrified of silence honestly, but living in a world that’s a little bit quieter hasn’t proven to be that bad. I’m still very glad to find that my hearing seems to be returning and I’m hoping that it returns completely but in the meantime I’m a little less terrified of the idea of living in, at least partial, silence.


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Posted in Word Prompt

It’s Just Not Fashionable …

WordPress Daily Prompt – Fashionable

Look out! Actual blog incoming!

There was a time, in the grand scheme of things it wasn’t that long ago, when my head was so fucking loud.

At any given second there were a thousand things all competing for a space on my mind. There was drama, loathing, negativity …

I hated everyone but most of all, above everything else, I hated myself.

I absolutely couldn’t stand myself and anytime a moment of pride, a good thought, a feeling of something well deserved, managed to sneak in … it only made me dig that dagger deeper.

I suffered from crippling depression. Killing myself was an almost daily thought although I never acted on it because I didn’t think I was worth the effort it would take to clean up.

It was more that I just wanted to disappear.

I wanted to go away but I wanted to do so in the least evasive way possible. Lest I find myself further inconveniencing others with my life, or lack thereof.

I couldn’t let myself have good things. In my mind I deserved the bad, I brought it down on myself like a wayward child purposely toppling case after case of books on themselves.

It hurt, I knew it would hurt but in my mind I deserved it.

And then one day something happened.

Something from my past came forward to find me. The universe so eloquently dropped it  right into my lap and reminded me that you can’t run from things that are meant to be a part of you.

I don’t know that I had ever cried as hard as I did in that moment.

I don’t know that I had ever felt the relief that I did in that moment.

I don’t know that I had ever felt anything in the way that I did in that moment.

After that I learned the art of being still and being quiet. I learned how to quiet my mind and how to bring myself peace. I learned to be ok with the times where I falter, because everybody makes mistakes. Everybody has days and moments and honestly that’s life with depression. It’s up and down and all around sometimes. I learned to steer myself instead of letting the noise in my head take the wheel.

All of this comes into sharp focus for me when I see things on TV that seem to glamorize things like suicide. TV shows that attempt to show it and explain it but do so in such teenage drama ways that they miss the point. Or when I see mass destruction, people driven by forces that are purely evil, raining terror down on others.

And I see ways that we could help these things, ways we could have real conversations but it’s fashionable, in some circles it seems, to be loud, to let the noise take the wheel. Those conversations will never happen when the noise is driving.

I don’t know how to implore the world to be still, to think, to be quiet then speak. I don’t know if we can and I honestly don’t if it would help but these days it seems like maybe the need for noise should fall out of fashion.


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