Posted in stream of consciousness, Word Prompt

When It’s All Said and Done

Around Christmas I disappeared from here. It’s typical for me to take a break but it’s usually a week or so. Aside from a Merry Christmas post and Recap post I didn’t write anything after mid-December.

In November and December I posted half of what I usually post in a month.

In real life I locked myself in a bathroom stall at work and cried. I thought about not waking up more often than I had in years.

I wondered how I came back to this point.

This is a post I started in January. As we come to the holidays again I find myself thinking about this time last year and wondering if I should share.

I didn’t at the time because I honestly didn’t believe anyone would care. I pushed myself back to a childhood state of believing the things I felt were completely invalid. I felt if I shared then I’d have to immediately apologize for feeling that way and possibly even be punished for it.

It had been years since I actually had suicidal thoughts but last Christmas, for me, they were alive and well. I tried to remember everything I would leave behind. I tried to tell myself that it wasn’t really that bad because I could at least think of things worth sticking around for.

I tried to think about things I had accomplished. I tried to make sense of my life in terms of gratitude.

None of that stopped me from constantly thinking about ending it.

I don’t feel that way anymore but I fear at any moment it could engulf me again.

It makes me feel defective. Of course I’ve remained single. Of course I’ve had trouble keeping up with friends. Of course. Who wants someone that could slip into this at any time?

I say this year has flown by but in reality I just feel like I’ve lost it. I’ve felt mired the entire time and have struggled to get past it.

Maybe it’s a late quarter life crisis or a very early mid life crisis. Maybe it’s just a life crisis in general.

In reflecting over the past year I decided to share, if for nothing more than to get it off me. Maybe putting it out into space will help clear some of it. Maybe someone reading this needs to know they aren’t alone.

Suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255 – they also offer online chat – You can also text HOME to 741741 (in the US)

Posted in Word Prompt

Silly Questions

WordPress Daily Prompt – Sympathize

I smelled it before I saw it.

“Well, shit.” Of course it was pouring and my umbrella was in the car. Fat droplets splattered the ground, exploding on impact. Each a little crime scene that would evaporate within the hour only to come storming down again.

Do I have to leave? The only appropriate answer was yes. I forgot enough appointments with my counselor; neither of us wanted the “hey, I thought we had a meeting …” voicemail.

Like an answer to my unspoken calls, beams of sunlight pierced through the clouds and the rain screeched to a stop.

“Now or never.”

Even the universe has a sense of humor.

I was 15 steps from the buildings main door, under the huge oak tree, when the clouds clamped shut over the sun and resumed their downpour.

Fuck.

I stood hostage to the rain, staring out into the parking lot. How many steps to my car? I was parked at the back of the lot so … well math is hard but the answer was a lot. The oak tree could only shield me so much, even its branches were beginning to give way to the strength of the rain drops.

“I have to go, it’s only going to get worse.” It’s only going to get worse. I let the words bounce around in my mind. Lately it seemed that everything only got worse.

Maybe I was paying some karmic debt for kicking puppies in a past life. I still wasn’t sure.

Ok, one foot in front of the other, only way out.

The clouds pelted me with lukewarm bombs.

Oh, this fucking sucks.

I thought I would want to run. I was sure I would want to get from underneath the oak to my car as quickly as humanly, or inhumanly, possible.

Instead I stood frozen under the pouring rain.

Maybe it wasn’t so bad. Maybe, if this was the worst it could be, it wasn’t so bad.

Can rain sympathize with a broken soul? Can it wash away that which threatens to tear us apart?

I let the water pool in my hand. What silly questions.

But still, I’m just crazy enough to stand out here in the rain.


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